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Article 361 of rec.humor.funny.reruns:
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: MADDI PICK: Die, Cane Toad, DIE!!!
Keywords: original, funny, originally appeared in fourth quarter, 1992
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Path: alexander.INS.CWRU.Edu!usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu
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Message-ID: <Sb5f.327b@clarinet.com>
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 97 21:10:00 EDT
Lines: 357
Cane toads were introduced into Queensland (Australia), supposedly to help
control the cane beetle population. It seemed like a good idea: the only
problem was that it didn't work (although your average cane toad will
give a rat a good fight). Queensland has been stuck with this poisonous
insectivore, which has become an unofficial mascot of our state. It's not
that we're obsessed with them...
>From the news archives at the University of Queensland:
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 00:34:21 GMT
ANTHONY: Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?
ANTHONY:
ANTHONY: Thank you
ANTHONY: Anthony
From: farrell@cs.uq.oz.au (Friendless)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 00:59:23 GMT
FARRELL: >Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?
FARRELL:
FARRELL: Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't get
FARRELL: there regularly any more. Be my guest.
FARRELL:
FARRELL: Friendless.
From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 02:29:56 GMT
WARWICK: > Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't
get
WARWICK: >there regularly any more. Be my guest.
WARWICK:
WARWICK: Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet.
WARWICK:
WARWICK:
WARWICK: Warwick.
From: ralf@cs.uq.oz.au (Ralf Muhlberger)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 03:36:25 GMT
RALF: >Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet.
RALF:
RALF: An old golf club that they don't racquet ? --- I don't understand ;-)
RALF:
RALF: Ralf
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 11:43:23 GMT
ANTHONY: I don't know why you guys have to make it so complicated.
ANTHONY: Look I am just to death of seeing cane toads outside the front of
ANTHONY: the CS building everytime I come in ok. So I need an old golf
ANTHONY: club to hit them with. I mean what else would you use a golf
ANTHONY: club for :-) ?
From: davo@cs.uq.oz.au (David Reeves)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 22:07:04 GMT
DAVO: >club to hit them with. I mean what else would you use a golf
DAVO: >club for :-) ?
DAVO:
DAVO: Have you thought of the damage you could inflict on unsuspecting
DAVO: fellow human beings after they've been hit by a high velocity
DAVO: cane toad... Really Anthony ... I do hear that putting them in a
DAVO: freezer is a good way of killing them, So I suggest you hit them
DAVO: with a freezer. ( If nothing else it does a lot more damage. )
DAVO:
DAVO: Davo.
From: ralf@cs.uq.oz.au (Ralf Muhlberger)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 22:42:11 GMT
RALF: Now that is a good idea! So I suppose the question now is if anyone
RALF: has an old freezer they don't want anymore.
From: da@cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 13 Feb 92 01:29:09 GMT
DA: Well davo has a fridge here on the fourth floor.
DA:
DA: Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
DA: the workshop window ...
From: farrell@cs.uq.oz.au (Friendless)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 13 Feb 92 10:07:47 GMT
FARRELL: >Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
FARRELL: >the workshop window ...
FARRELL:
FARRELL: I think Anthony wants to kill the toads himself. Therefore *he* should
FARRELL: assemble below the window and catch it and take it to the toads himself
FARRELL:
FARRELL: BTW Anthony, what's wrong with a cricket bat? Why choose an elitist
FARRELL: Japanese-style item of sports apparatus to kill toads?
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 05:59:22 GMT
ANTHONY: Nothing wrong with a cricket bat, in fact if anyone has an old cricket
ANTHONY: bat I will gladly use it. I have a confession to make, it is not just
ANTHONY: the toads outside the department that's giving trouble. There are
ANTHONY: hundreds of toads outside our new house in Corinda. Just the other
ANTHONY: night I used an old umbrella to kill one. Boy, those things are hard
ANTHONY: to kill. I hit it a few times but it refused to die. Eventually I
ANTHONY: used the tip and went for his lungs. He died, see I had to do it, my
ANTHONY: dog was coming and he would have tried to eat it. Also I have no more
ANTHONY: room in my freezer :-).
From: rhys@cs.uq.oz.au (Rhys Weatherley)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 21:12:21 GMT
RHYS: I should report you to the TLAQ (Toad Lover's Association of Queensland).
RHYS: Golf clubs, cricket bats and falling freezers are condoned in the charter
RHYS: of the TLAQ, because the toad still has a fighting chance. But umbrella
RHYS: tips? That is just too cruel. You are a sicko! So what if your dog eats
RHYS: a toad and dies? That's just natural selection at work. But umbrellas
RHYS: are not natural.
RHYS:
RHYS: Help stamp out umbrellas in the war against toads!
RHYS:
RHYS: :-)
RHYS:
RHYS: Rhys.
From: da@cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 23:07:54 GMT
DA: > .. Eventually I used the tip and went for his lungs. He died, ...
DA:
DA: Yes, and often even this doesn't kill them. I'll bet he wasn't there in
the
DA: morning. Hopefully, a solution to this obnoxious little pest will arrive
DA: soon. Until then ...
DA:
DA: F O U R !!
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 17 Feb 92 00:36:08 GMT
ANTHONY:> >... I'll bet he wasn't there in the morning ...
ANTHONY:
ANTHONY: Oh yes he was there in the morning (at least his body was).
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 11:48:59 GMT
ANTHONY: I recently moved from St Lucia to Corinda and I found a few
ANTHONY: pieces of pottery that I've made in high school. I was thinking
ANTHONY: of throwing them out but some for them do look...well interesting.
ANTHONY: Come to my room and have a look if you are curious. I will give
ANTHONY: them away for $2 each. What a bargain !
From: adrian@cs.uq.oz.au (Adrian Lee)
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 20:13:51 GMT
ADRIAN: > pieces of pottery that I've made in high school. I was thinking
ADRIAN: > of throwing them out but some for them do look...well interesting.
ADRIAN:
ADRIAN: Why not use them on cane toads? Depending on the weight of the
ADRIAN: "art objects" they could either be used as projectiles or
for crushing.
ADRIAN:
ADRIAN: Adrian
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 18 Feb 92 01:21:42 GMT
ANTHONY: I also have some paintings forsale too, I don't know if they are
ANTHONY: any good for killing cane toads.
[SIX MONTHS LATER]
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Pottery and paintings give away
Date: 25 Aug 92 22:28:06 GMT
ANTHONY: I am about to move desk and I want to give away a
ANTHONY: collection of fine paintings and pottery pieces.
ANTHONY: Yes, they were already at the low price of $2 a
ANTHONY: piece but now I am giving them away. Yes, it is
ANTHONY: unbelievable that I am giving away such fine
ANTHONY: pieces but I have no room for them.
ANTHONY:
ANTHONY: Come to room 706 and inspect them for yourself.
ANTHONY: There are no hidden extras. Think of the time when
ANTHONY: you wish you had a paper weight. Think of the time
ANTHONY: when you want to throw something at your dog to
ANTHONY: stop it from barking. Summer is coming and you
ANTHONY: need something to drop on cane toads.
From: sarge@cs.uq.oz.au (The Lemming)
Subject: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 01:48:51 GMT
SARGE: .
SARGE: --
SARGE: --------------------------------------------------------
SARGE: Leap before you look. sarge@cs.uq.oz.au
SARGE: The Lemming.
SARGE: --------------------------------------------------------
From: rhys@cs.uq.oz.au (Rhys Weatherley)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 02:43:08 GMT
RHYS: In uqcs.test sarge@cs.uq.oz.au (The Lemming) writes:
RHYS:
RHYS: >.
RHYS: ^_____ This is a cane toad before being hit with a fridge.
RHYS:
RHYS: * This is a cane toad after being hit with a fridge.
RHYS:
RHYS: o This is a cane toad that has been spiked with an umbrella.
RHYS:
RHYS: ^ This is a cane toad hopping away from certain doom at the hands
RHYS: of Anthony Lee.
RHYS:
RHYS: < This is a cane toad heading out over the back fence at great
RHYS: speed after being hit with a golf club.
RHYS:
RHYS: > This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence.
RHYS:
RHYS: ~ This is a cane toad after being run over by a car (tire tracks).
RHYS:
RHYS: _ This is a cane toad that has been run over by a steam-roller.
RHYS:
RHYS: + This is two cane toads in the middle of the road that have been
RHYS: run over while increasing the cane toad population.
RHYS:
RHYS: Can anyone think of any more? :-)
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 02:56:30 GMT
MURRAY: >Can anyone think of any more? :-)
MURRAY:
MURRAY: This is the cane toad that has been redirected into /dev/null.
MURRAY:
MURRAY: 0 This is a cane toad after being hit by a hunting arrow fired
MURRAY: from a 200lb bow.
MURRAY:
MURRAY: ~~~~=> This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence at great
MURRAY: speed after being hit with a golf club after being set on fire
MURRAY: after having kerosene poured down its throat through the straw
MURRAY: you inserted just after hitting it with a hammer so that it sat
MURRAY: up nicely.
MURRAY:
MURRAY: You asked.
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 03:18:03 GMT
MURRAY: The Pine Rivers Shire Council has a semi-annual toad cull... and this
MURRAY: year they published a list of what NOT to bring to the hunt:
MURRAY:
MURRAY: - golf clubs
MURRAY: - spirit torches/flame throwers
MURRAY: - cattle prods
MURRAY: - baseball/cricket bats with spikes driven through them
MURRAY: - metal rakes
MURRAY: - bows/crossbows
MURRAY: - bicycles/motorbikes/motortrikes
MURRAY: - scythes
MURRAY: - pitchforks
MURRAY: - lawnmowers (including manual, electric, petrol, and ride-on).
MURRAY:
MURRAY: Thought you'd like to know.
From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 07:16:31 GMT
WARWICK: Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are... do we still pull the wings
WARWICK: from flies too?
From: tonyg@cs.uq.oz.au (Tony Gedge)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 11:12:13 GMT
TONY: >Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are... do we still pull the wings
TONY: >from flies too?
TONY:
TONY: Only while I'm waiting for the coffee machine to stop dripping...
TONY:
TONY: Tony Gedge.
From: davo@cs.uq.oz.au (David Reeves)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 22:36:33 GMT
DAVO: Only so that we can, drop fridges on them, hit them with golf clubs,
burn
DAVO: the with flame throwers, etc. :-)
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 3 Sep 92 05:51:42 GMT
MURRAY: ...and then feed them to toads?
Murray Chapman muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Department of Computer Science,
University of Queensland, How many lightbulb jokes does
St Lucia, AUSTRALIA it take to change the subject?