Aaaugh! - a humor archive
A Bunch of Things Not To Put In a Resume Cover Letter

  1. "I'm really keen to work for you - I hear the drugs are good."

  2. "I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately every company I have worked for has since closed down."

  3. "I'll kill myself if I don't get a job."

  4. "I know where you live."

  5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

  6. "I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job."

  7. Happy faces.

  8. "By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters."

  9. "My turn-ons include..."

  10. "I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me."

  11. "If, Satan forbid, you let someone else have this job, then... (*insert horrible ritual at your own discretion here*)"

  12. "My lawyer told me that a steady job would help my case."

  13. "How much do you guys keep in the cash-register at night?"

  14. "Me and my boyfriend needs a job" - signed John

  15. "Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll makes the world go around!"

  16. "So, will I get a sexy secretary?"

  17. "Ignore the fact that I only held my previous job for 5 hours. It was all their fault!"

  18. "My mother told me..."

  19. "Yo! If you guys hired Dwayne, you're gonna *need* me!"

  20. "Do you guys throw great parties?"

  21. "Macintosh is a great computer!"

  22. "I think Lorena did the right thing!"

  23. "Is sex O.K. during work hours?"

  24. "I've got a modem. Can I use your phone?"

  25. "Please pay no attention to the story in this morning's newspaper."

  26. "Eye heer yoor luking fur sumwun wit gud righting skilz."

  27. "Will your daycare centre accommodate two-year-old triplets?"

  28. "I know you'll like my tattoo."

  29. "Does the salary include a clothing allowance?"

  30. "I want you - only you."

  31. "You probably didn't know I was about three feet from you during that ugly incident in Detroit in 1972."

  32. "I'm sure my references will support my excellent moral turpitude."

  33. "I have done a lot of research about your company; did you ever resolve that dispute with the IRS?"

  34. "I can explain what happened when I didn't pass the Bar (CPA/Broker's/Agent's/Police Academy/etc.) Exam those first four times."


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