Meditations for Miserable People (Who want to stay that way)
From Dan Goodman's book of the same title.

• Hope is like the sun, which, as I journey toward it, is bound to give me cancer.

• I am not an unattractive person. I am downright hideous.

• If I fall off the wagon no one will know because I have no friends.

• Knowing and understanding myself helps me realize just how worthless I really am.

• I deserve true love--even if it cost me $3.99 a minute.

• People may disappoint me but not nearly as much as I disappoint myself.

• There is nothing wrong with crying when your life is as pitiful as mine.

• Loneliness is a harbor in which I will drown every day of my miserable existence.

• I have low self-esteem, but that's only because I am worthless.

• Criticize, don't analyze.

• The rewards of tolerance on a personal level are misery, abuse and eventual death.

• A new day can begin to such at any time...like right now, for instance.

• I cannot retrieve my inner child, for it is dad and buried in my backyard.

• When you feel unloved, get used to it, because you know it's the truth.

• Live in the here and now, for tomorrow is sure to be just as miserable.

• The mistakes I make today I will make again tomorrow becasue I am stupid and slow.

• If at first you don't succeed, give up.