Aaaugh! - a humor archive
Monty Python Quotes

Oh my God! We're on film!
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!
The beds here are warm and soft.....and very, *very* big.
Sir Galahad.....the Chaste.
We are but 8 score younge blondes and brunettes...all between 16 and 19 1/2....
And after the spanking.... the Oral Sex!!
A spanking, a spanking!!!
No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
We were in the nick of time; you were in great peril!
Oh, let me have just a *little bit* of Peril?
Oh, that's an *unladen* swallow's flight, obviously.
It was the dreaded three-headed knight, the fiercest creature for yards around!
You've killed the best man!
We have found a witch! May we burn her?
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
There are some who call me... Tim?
Look! There's the old man from Scene 24!
Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go?
Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
What is your name? What is your quest? What is the capital of Assyria?
Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king, you know...
Bring out your dead!
I told 'em we've already *got* one!
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!
Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"!
I fart in your general direction!
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
Maybe if we made a giant badger....
Aaaarthur... Aarthur, King of the Britons...
Oh don't grovel!
A blessing! A blessing from the Lord! God be praised!
It's like those miserable Psalms--they're soooo depressing!
Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!
How does it....How does it work?
Consult the book of Armaments!
First, shalt thou take out the holy pin.
One! Two! Five!
You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
'Tis but a scratch.
Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Well I *am* king...
Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere!
You don't vote for kings!
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of gov
Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!

We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeee-wommmm! A SHRUBBERY!!!!
Hello, I'd like to have an argument.
Excuse me, is this the right room for an argument?
Oh! This is abuse!
I've told you once.
Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
No, no, no! More with the wrist, like this! Yes, yes, yes!
Yes Sir. And how would you like it cut? Cut! Cut! Blood! Spurt!!
Hitchcock! Psycho! Arteries! Courtcase! Aaaaagh!
I've finished cutting, cutting, CUTTING, CUTTING YOUR HAIR!
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward...
I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.
What do *you* keep your hard-boiled eggs in?
And now for something completely different.
Hello. Today I'd like to talk to you about the place of the nude in my bed.
Doug and Bob are metropolitan policemen with a difference.
Bring out your dead!
Have the new paper clips arrived, Enid?
I'm having spam, spam, chips and spam.
All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
One dead unjugged rabbit-fish later...
Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?
Rat cake, Rat sorbet, Rat pudding, or strawberry tart.
I'll 'ave one slice of strawberry tart with not so much rat in it.
Call the church police!
There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!
It's tatooed on the back o' their neck.
It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
Oh, good for you. Those... Those ARE sheep, aren't they?
It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.
One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air.
And just what are the commercial possibilities of Ovine Aviation?
He's a bit on edge, Mr Johnson, he hasn't slept since 1945.
Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke!
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Yes, it's time for... BLACKMAIL!!
Hello, good evening, and welcome to BLACKMAIL!
wHOW! Look at the *size* of that.....briefcase.
Uh-oh, who's the little number with the nightie and the whip, eh?
Who-ho-ho!! This is no Tupperware party!
"Pedorasto": the game for *all* the family.
"David Coperfield" with one 'p'?
Funny, you've got a lot of books here....
Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? How about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"????
Ahh...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
G'day, Bruce!
"It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty."
Is your name *not* Bruce?
Rule One: No Poofters!
Rule Four: Now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking.
Rule Six: There is NO Rule Six.
Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am."
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot.
We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the dia-phragm alot!
On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
I want to buy some cheese.
I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Venezuelan beaver cheese? do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
What a *senseless* waste of human life.
'Ere! 'E says 'e's not dead!
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Constable Clitoris and I are from the hygiene squad.
A...a *dead* frog.
If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
Stormy Petrel on a stick! Gannet ripple!
It don't say anything here about lark's vomit!!
I... I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!
Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day.
He puts on women's clothing.... and hangs around.... in bars???????
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
Me, nurse...You Mr. Bertenshaw, she Sister, you doctor.
Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, nudge nudge, say no more?
Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, eh?
Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
And now, Radio Four will explode.
I think she's dead.
Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!
They stamp them when they're small.
I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob! It don't work!
The pet-shop man's brother was lying!
Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck.
I'm not supposed to go mad until 1896!
You wouldn't like one of your tanks to get BROKEN now would you?
There's none of that. That's right out. I deny that completely.
It's Tony M. Thynop's Flying Risccu.
Erizabeth L.
Ring Kichard... but surely that's a Spoonerism, not an anagram?
A shroe, a shroe, ym dingkom orf a shroe.
I'm sorry I had to bring the goat - he's not at all well.
Interior decor? You want the Durham Light Infantry.
I'd split their nostrils open with a boat-hook!
And now: a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
It all started with a seaside summarising Proust competition when I was six.
Proust in his first book, wrote about, wrote about....
I'm sorry, you have to say "dog-kennel" to Mr. Lambert, NOT "mattress".
Monsieur Sartre? Etes-vous libre?
Now.....I eat the banana.
Next week, we'll learn how to defend ourselves against someone carrying grapes.
And now for something completely different.
Lemon curry?
El llama es un quadrapedo.
It's a good thing I didn't tell them about the dirty knife!
Pedestrians are still being threatened by vicious gangs of keep-left signs.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
My hovercraft is full of eels.
Do you get wafers with it?
No, you don't get bleedin' wafers with it! It's a bleedin' albatross!
Hello Mrs Cutout!
Your cat is suffering from something we vets haven't found a name for.
Stop! This is getting too silly!
I'd like to answer that question in two ways: firstly in my normal voice, and..
Oh I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is Ron. Ron Vibbentrop.
I also not in Minehead am being born!
You'll want the A39. Oh, no, you've got the wrong map here! This is Stalingrad!
Mr Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist. He's got wonderful plans...
Oi don't loike the sound of these 'ere Boncentration Bamps.
I gave him my baby to kiss and he BIT it!
There's more to this redistribution of wealth business than meets the eye!
Yes, the silly vote has been split!
Mr. Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Nine and a half. Yes.
I'm inspector There's-a-man-behind-you from the Yard.
You say he nailed your head to the table?
Even Dinsdale was afraid of Doug!
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house...
They then began to operate what they called 'The Operation'....
There was nothing else he could do. I had transgressed the unwritten law.
Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy.
And then even the police began to sit up and take notice.
"Four *hours* to bury the cat?"   "Yes, it wouldn't keep still."
What makes a man want to be a mouse?
I don't like being called Eddie baby.
Then you'd be Arthur "No sheds" Jackson!
They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks.
We need someone to feed the pantomime horse.
My claim is that I can burrow through an elephant.
Your claim was that you could be pushed off Beachy Head in a barrel.
And now - number one - the larch. The larch.
Which of these three trees has Mr. Peterson hidden behind?
Have you come to arrange a holiday, or do you want a blow job?
I would like to see Cardinal Richlieu's impersonation of Petula Clarke.
I would like to see John the Baptist's impersonation of Graham Hill.
In 1983 Monty Python lay in ruins....
With a melon??
And now - two unsuccessful encyclopaedia salesmen.
Oh, we used to *dream* of livin' in a corridor....
You lived in a paper bag? You were lucky.
"It's back is too hard."
Every day our father would kill us, and dance about on our graves.
I sentence you to be hung by the neck until you cheer up.
A spokesman for the parrots said he was very glad no parrots were involved.
Number nine: The Nape of the Neck.
Number twenty-seven: The naughty bits of Reginald Maudling.
I want a licence for my pet fish, Eric.
No, Eric the half bee. He had an accident.
It's Eric the half a bee!
Can Karl Marx bring something new into this game?
And Archimedes has had an idea!!
Coal mining's a very fine thing father - something you'll never understand.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Yes - after five years they give me a brush!
I played Mary Queen of Scots in a geo-syncline!
Krakatoa, east of Leamington.
My hats, Sir Horace!
Has he....been?
Looks like I shan't be catching the 11:30 now....
I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10:15, Lady Partridge.
Then he....won't be needing his seat reservation on the 10:15?
SURELY you mean the Holiday-Maker Special!
But the 8:13 doesn't HAVE a restaurant car! express the human condition in terms of British Rail.
The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? Over there in a box.
The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose.
I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.
It's da bishop!