"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
    - George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
    - Ellen DeGeneris

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
    - Carol Leifer

"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business."
    - Shelley Berman

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
    - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
    - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
    - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
    - Rita Rudner

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
    - Johnny Carson

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
    - Will Rogers

"Never moon a werewolf."
    - Mike Binder