The Shortest Books Ever Written

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From: ruscio@binah.cc.brandeis.edu (JoHn Ruscio)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Canon. Short Books (Special)
Date: 15 Dec 1995 04:10:56 GMT
Organization: Brandeis University
Lines: 274
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OK, here by no request at all is a special, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to read the particular entries from a rather long list that I, personally, whittled down to only a somewhat long list. Below are the items that I found to be the most funny. To those of you who have contributed items but are unable to find them below, this by no means implies anything at all. Nothing.

Remember, I've picked truly offensive, tasteless, senseless items -- the funny ones. If yours are not here, please do not take it personally. I spent very little time systematically deleting entries of specific people in order to hurt their feelings. I did, however, spend a good deal of time deleting most references to politics and computer terminology. Remember, I'm an obnoxious jerk, and so it makes sense that I don't find politics and any reference to computers outrageously funny, as do all other sane individuals.

Here, then, is a special condensed Holiday Season edition of the shortest books list. Enjoy it with your friends, relatives, and loved ones.

Please send any replies to the email address listed below, as I do not regularly read rec.humor. Happy Holidays everyone!

The Shortest Books Ever Written
as compiled by John Ruscio

NOTE: The titles listed below are absolutely 100% factual. You can look them up. You can read them. Insist that your local library obtain a copy for you. In fact, not only will I guarantee that all of these books exist, but I wrote them all. Yes, particularly the really offensive ones. So let me know, in as much detail as possible, which ones bother you the most, and that way I can test whether it's true that my mail handler deletes messages at the same lightning speed regardless of their length.
NOTE: I also would like to point out that each and every one of these hundreds of entries is uproariously funny. This is the case with all Canonical lists, not just the one about all the books I have personally written (see above). If you can find one title on this list that doesn't make you laugh yourself into the fetal position, I will offer you a hearty handshake, my lifelong indebtedness, a full money-back exchange, and my most sincere apologies, many many times over.
NOTE: To contribute your own selections to this list, please attempt to fit them either into the "How To ...", "Complete Guide ..." or other comparably overdone categories, rather than taking valuable nanoseconds out of your life to formulate an original phrase. Nobody likes originality these days, especially people on a humor newsgroup, it's highly over-rated. In fact, you can even submit entries like: "Same Old Crap." Who really cares?
NOTE: My email address is "RUSCIO@BINAH.CC.BRANDEIS.EDU". You should get to know me, I have a lot of wit and charm, I'm really a treasure to have around, and will brighten every one of your days. Modesty is one of my most fascinating and endearing qualities.

This version updated last on: 12/14/95
Total number of entries: ???

AAA
A Compendium Of Italian Nobel Prize Winners
Advanced Subtraction.
A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking.
A Guide To Australian Etiquette
A Hiker's Guide To The Ho Chi Minh Trail
A History Of The Albanian Space Command
A Journey Through The Mind Of A Squid.
All-Star Tributes To Regis Philbin.
All The Places You Can Drive To From Hawaii
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
Anagrams Of The Word "A".
An Anthology Of Coral Reefs Of The Sahara Desert
Anything Written By Patrick Swayze.
Arctic Water Polo.
A Tale Of No Cities.
A Thesaurus Without Any Synonyms, Or Antonyms.
Axe Murderers Who Support "Feed The Children".
BBB
Banjo Sonatas.
Beating The Crap Out Of Innocent Little Children, by Benjamin Spock.
Blacks I Met While Yachting
Blind Dates That Worked Out
Bowler's Guide To Health & Fitness.
Burger King Items That Start With "Mc".
CCC
Career Opportunities For History Majors.
Chicago Cubs World Series Championships.
Christmas Shopping At The Local Toxic Waste Disposal Site.
Compendium Of American Culture
The Complete Guide To Cooking With Spam
Complete List Of American Malls Without A "Gap".
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Competing In The World Series
Cub Scout Adventures In Times Square.
DDD
Deep South Genetic Variation.
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways To Spell "Bob".
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
EEE
Embracing Junk.
Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance.
Everglades' Guide For Rock Climbing
Excellence In The CFL
Exciting Things To Do In Worcester
FFF
Fashion Statements Of Alcatrazz Prison
Fifty Days To A Better Hypothalamus.
Fire Escape Routes From The Bottom Of Lake Michigan.
Folk Stories Of The Canadian-Portugese Border Patrol.
French Hospitality
Frog Hygiene.
Fun Party Games Involving Porcupines.
Fun With Blood-Stained Caligraphy.
Fun With Feces
Fun With Sharp, Painful Needles.
GGG
Genghis Khan And The Mongols: A Feminist Perspective
George Bush: The Wild Years
Great English Lovers
The Greatest Songs Of Michael Bolton
Great Moments In Scab Football.
HHH
Hearing-Impaired Disc Jockeys.
Heterosexual Lesbians.
Hilarious Female Comics.
Hindu Beef Recipes
Household Uses For Plutonium.
How I Became A Stud, by Zamfir.
How Paperclips Work.
How To Blow Your Nose
How To Cook Sushi
How To Keep A Virgin From Following You Around Afterward
How To Make Money In Anthropology
How To Sustain A Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel.
How To Win Friends When You Still Smell Like Crap.
III
Ice Recipes.
Inkless Pens.
I Was A Teenage Teenager
JJJ
Japanese Compendium For English Pronunciation
Jurassic Laundromat.
KKK
Kayak To A Better Beginning.
Keebler Elves That Touch Themselves.
Known Ways To Cure Cancer With A Toothbrush.
LLL
Life As An Air Traffic Controller, by Ray Charles.
Little-Known Secrets Of Nuclear Physics, by Jay Leno.
MMM
Madonna On Formal Wear
Malcolm X's Guide To Pork Dishes
Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches
Mike Tyson's Insightful Thoughts.
Mime Talk.
Mormon Alcoholics & Divorce Lawyers
Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
Moustache Mania!
My Life As A Woman, by Martina Navratilova.
NNN
National Directory Of Irish AA Members
Net Ethics
NFL's Greatest Thinkers Ever
Nicknames For "Al".
Numerical Equivalencies Of 2.
OOO
Obesity In East Africa
Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid.
One Hundred And One Spotted Owl Recipes, by The EPA.
One-Legged Folk Dances.
Operating Instructions For Scotch Tape.
Oprah Winfrey's Guide To Avoiding Fatty Foods.
Orville Reddenbacher's Favorite Snack Treats.
Ouchless Spinal Bandages.
Owner's Manual To An Amish-Built Toaster.
PPP
Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
People Who Actually MADE.MONEY.FAST
People Who Saw "Ishtar".
Pi, Rounded For Everyday Use
Pittsburgh When It's Not Raining: A Photographic Collection
Planets That Rhyme With The Word "Planet".
Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians.
Purebred Mutts.
QQQ
Quantum Physics For Absolute Morons
RRR
Rapper's Guide To Etiquette.
Really Big Midgets.
Recent Advances In Flying Submarine Technology.
Red Army Soldiers Who Hadn't Blisters After The Long March
Red Barns That Are Yellow.
Regis-Mania.
Respected Lawyers.
Romantic Words Beginning With "X".
Roseanne Arnold's Guide To Weight Loss
Ross Perot's Ear Improvement Manual.
Rottweilers Who Speak Italian.
SSS
Safe Driving In France
Satan's Love Letters.
Smelly Planets.
Snap, Crackle, Pop: A Beginner's Guide To Knuckle Popping
Snap, Crackle, Pop: A Beginner's Guide To Rice Crispies.
Social Occasions Requiring Hip Waders.
Soothing Nervous Polar Bears With Tickling Tricks.
Speling By Dan Quayle
Staple Your Way To Success.
Subatomic Particles That Taste Like Licorice.
Successful Experiments In Cohabitation With Piranhas.
Successful Trekkies.
Surgeon General's Warning: This Is Not A Book.
Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips.
TTT
Tasty Bile Recipes.
Tasty Sediment.
Ted Koppel's All-Time Greatest On-The-Air Booger Jokes.
The ABC's Of Gum Chewing.
The American Book Of Beautiful Cars
The American Medical Association's Guide To Proper Penmanship.
The Amish Phone Book
The Appeal Of Alan Thicke
The Beginner's Guide To Having Your Leg Fall Asleep.
The Book With No Title
The Comic Genius Of Tom Arnold
The Compleat Chevy Chase Show
The Complete Collection Of Harlem Poetry.
The Contribution Of Political Correctness To Free Speech
The Deep, Philosophical Implications Of Turning Left.
The Educational Guide To MTV
The Fat, Lard, And Oil Diet.
The Gentle Side Of Joseph Stalin
The Happy Hooker Goes To Our Lady Of Sorrows Convent
The KKK Manual Of Tact And Etiquette.
The Mormon Guide To Alternative Sex
The Plan For Prohibition In Australia
The Pleasant Street Smells Of New York City.
The Rainy Day Book Of Flicking Dimes.
The Registry Of Motor Vehicles' Pledge Of Cheerfulness.
Thesaurus Of Square Roots
The Shaker Village Electrical Engineering Lexicon.
The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzeneggar
Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple.
Things That Taste Better With Arsenic.
Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival.
UUU
Understanding Moss.
VVV
Volume One Of Madonna's Morality Encyclopedia.
Vomit, Vomit, Vomit
WWW
Waterskiing In The Bermuda Triangle
Ways To Cross The "T".
Ways To Give Change For A Penny.
Wealthy Bums.
What To Do With Finger Paints.
Why I Love Britain: A Native's Perspective
Why Political Correctness Is Not Censorship
Women Named "Fred".
World Leaders Born In Omaha
Wrath Of The Ant Colony.
YYY
Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation.
123
0 Uses Of A Dead Cat
20,000 Leagues Under Molten Lava.
30,000 Volts Of Electricity As A Means Of Hair Curling

|-o-|

NOTE:	The titles listed below are absolutely 100% factual. You can look them up. You can read them. Insist that your local library obtain a copy for you. In fact, not only will I guarantee that all of these books exist, but I wrote them all. Yes, particularly the really offensive ones. So let me know, in as much detail as possible, which ones bother you the most, and that way I can test whether it's true that my mail handler deletes messages at the same lightning speed regardless of their length.
NOTE:	I also would like to point out that each and every one of these hundreds of entries is uproariously funny. This is the case with all Canonical lists, not just the one about all the books I have personally written (see above). If you can find one title on this list that doesn't make you laugh yourself into the fetal position, I will offer you a hearty handshake, my lifelong indebtedness, a full money-back exchange, and my most sincere apologies, many many times over.
NOTE:	To contribute your own selections to this list, please attempt to fit them either into the "How To ...", "Complete Guide ..." or other comparably overdone categories, rather than taking valuable nanoseconds out of your life to formulate an original phrase. Nobody likes originality these days, especially people on a humor newsgroup, it's highly over-rated. In fact, you can even submit entries like: "Same Old Crap." Who really cares?
NOTE:	My email address is "RUSCIO@BINAH.CC.BRANDEIS.EDU". You should get to know me, I have a lot of wit and charm, I'm really a treasure to have around, and will brighten every one of your days. Modesty is one of my most fascinating and endearing qualities.