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| THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE | ||
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AGE 17 25 35 48 66 |
DRINK beer beer vodka double vodka Maalox |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
SEDUCTION LINE My parents are away for the weekend. My girlfriend is away for the weekend. My fiancee is away for the weekend. My wife is away for the weekend. My second wife is dead. |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
FAVORITE SPORT sex sex sex sex napping |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
DRUG pot coke really good coke power coke, a limousine, the company jet |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE "tongue" "breakfast" "She didn't set back my therapy." "I didn't have to meet her kids." "Got home alive." |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
FAVORITE FANTASY getting to third airplane sex menage a trois taking the company public Swiss maid/Nazi love slave |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
HOUSE PET roaches stoned-out college roommate Irish setter children from his first marriage Barbi |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 25 35 48 66 17 |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
IDEAL DATE Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in "Split the check before we go back to my place" "Just come over." "Just come over and cook." Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. |
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| THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE | ||
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AGE 17 25 35 48 66 |
DRINK Wine Coolers White wine Red wine Dom Perignon Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES Need to wash my hair Need to wash and condition my hair Need to color my hair Need to have Francois color my hair Need to have Francois color my wig |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
FAVORITE SPORT shopping shopping shopping shopping shopping |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
DRUG shopping shopping shopping shopping shopping |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE "Burger King" "Free meal" "A diamond" "A bigger diamond" "Home Alone" |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
FAVORITE FANTASY tall, dark and handsome tall, dark and handsome with money tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain a man with hair a man |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
HOUSE PET Muffy the cat Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat Irish setter and Muffy the Cat Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 35 48 66 |
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17 25 35 48 66 |
IDEAL DATE He offers to pay He pays He cooks breakfast the next morning He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids He can chew breakfast |
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-- End of excerpt from Leo Shuster