Aaaugh! - a humor archive
Words of Wisdom from Parents

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded resturant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak ------- it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Duplos will not

'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence

SuperGlue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

You probably do not want to know what that odor is

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

Plastic toys do not like ovens

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will, however, make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

Cats with spray painted butts can still poop

Motor oil kills flowers

Remote controls don't fit down the toilet

Remote controls don't work after being put into a toilet


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