Classified Ads

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

FOR SALE:

One slightly used Kleenex. Will trade for authenticated Honus Wagner baseball card and cash. Serious inquiries only!

For sale by author, signed copies of my extensive 1,950 page expose of the Kennedy assasination and its connection to sunspot activity.

One human kidney. Low mileage, runs great. Looks good. Will trade for same.

Better than Chia pets! Better than Pet Rocks! It's....Pet Air! Act now, supply is, well, unlimited, but act now anyway!

Extensive collection of Soviet military surplus for sale by newly independent republic. Wide selection of armor, jets, light naval vessels, and fissionable materials at bargain prices. All sales "as is", lingering radiation on some items. Buyer pays delivery expenses.

WANTED:

Tambourine player for progressive rock band exploring unique fusion of Yes, GoGo's, John Denver, and Gregorian chants with an industrial flavor. Must hear to believe.

Mildew fetishist seeks old raincoats and shower curtains. Your trash is my treasure, no item too slimy or smelly.

HOUSING:

Two bedroom sublease, nice neighborhood, BARGAIN rent. Only drawback is big hairy spiders that drop off bedroom ceiling at night.

Roommate needed for two bedroom northside apt. $200/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic and taxidermy.

Low cost, single bedroom one-story riverside home for sale. Low contamination, quiet neighborhood with no children or animal life. Contact regional EPA department.

SERVICES:

Naked accounting! Buff hunk and hunkette accountants do your taxes in the nude! Let them check out your bottom line while you check out theirs!

PERSONALS:

Fat balding smelly lazy repulsive unemployed WM oaf seeks voluptuous female love slave to fetch beer, change channels, pick up dirty clothes, and suck toes.

SWF seeks live M, age 16-100+, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg.

SWM, 39, enjoys assault rifles, heaving drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded fallout shelter.

SWF, 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Gaian nature spirits, and jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic WM mechanical engineer.

SWM, 29, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Dr. Who, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. Still ISO compatible SWF.

Adventurous WC want to meet other WCs interested in underwater bondage with scuba gear and albino livestock. No weirdos.

SM parrot ISO SF parrot. Pretty boy. Gimme kiss!