Duck Sauce: The Shocking Expose

by Alan Meiss,


"Hello, I'm Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds"

"We're here in Hong Kong to bring you a story that may shock and horrify some viewers. This city is a beehive of industry and activity, a monument to free enterprise and commerce, but behind these shops and warehouses, hidden from public view, is the sordid story of a condiment gone terribly wrong.

"I'm talking about duck sauce. You've probably seen or tried it before, those little orange packets tossed in with your Chinese take-out meals. But look closely at them...those little floating bits aren't apricot...they're real duck.

"Yes, it's a tragic tale of waterfowl laid waste, an underground industry that reaps millions of export dollars and is depleting the duck population all around the South China Sea.

"We tracked several shipments of duck sauce to a clandestine factory here, operating under the name Duk Tu Gu Enterprises. We went to the office of its manager, Mr. Chum Lee, to get some answers."

*knock* *knock*

"Hello? Mr. Lee? It's Mike Walrus, of 60 Seconds, I'd like to ask you a few questions."

(A secretary cracks the door open.) "What you want?" (The sound of quacking fills the room within.)

"We want to talk to Mr. Lee about duck sauce. Are those ducks I hear?"

"Mr. Lee busy! No duck sauce here, that crickets, big crickets. Go way!"

(A duck squeezes through the door and waddles off down the hallway.)

"So what was that!"

"Pet. Mr. Lee love ducks, have many pet ducks. Now go!"


"We obviously weren't going to get any answers at the front door, so we tried the back. A service door in the alley behind was open, and we took a look inside with our cameras."

(shouting) "You can see we are" *quack* *quack* WHAMP "inside an actual duck sauce" *quack* *QUACK* WHAMP "operation, and it is brutal" *quack* WHAMP "indeed. The ducks appear to be" *quack* *quack* WHAMP "carried along this conveyor belt to" *QUACK* WHAMP "a large hydraulic press. There are" *quack* WHAMP "feathers everywhere, it's a horrifying" *QUAAAAACK* WHAMP "sight in here."

"We left when several workers approached, but escaped with our film intact. We were also able to contact a former owner of another duck sauce factory who had since left the business, and who agreed to be interviewed on camera if we concealed his identity."

(silhouette of man with electronically altered voice)

"Yes, many, many ducks squashed to make duck sauce. In my factory was used big press, also steamroller, sometime use big blender. Also use dynamite, but that not leave enough duck."

"Authorities have pledged to step up investigations, but little progress has been made so far. Robert Drake, Chief Inspector of the Hong Kong Police Department's outgunned and understaffed Duck Crimes Division, declined to be interviewed, but told us in a letter that 'the bottom line is, as long as people want duck sauce, there will be a duck sauce trade.'

"This concludes our report for this week's 60 Seconds. Join us next week when we learn the shocking truth behind goose grease."