by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
Throughout human history, great thinkers have wrestled with such fundamental questions of human destiny as: Why are we here? What is the purpose of life? What role are we to play in the fate of mankind? Why does Jello wiggle? Perhaps we were not able to shed a great deal of light on these weighty issues in this lab, yet I cannot help but feel that somehow we have BETTERED ourselves, that we have contributed in SOME small way to mankind's endless quest for truth and knowledge. In boiling water, we were not simply fulfilling a requirement, we were following in the hallowed steps of men like Heisenstein, Newtler, and Platotle, the weight of the fate of hopeful teeming millions yearning to breath free hanging on OUR shoulders!!! Yes, we mere mortals wrestled with DESTINY and kicked its butt!
Tension hung in the air of the darkened laboratory as the fateful moment approached, a pregnant silence broken only by hushed furtive whispers. In the center of the room, lit by a single golden shaft of the setting sun, sat the beaker of water we would attempt to boil, perhaps the very same water once drunk by Julius Ceaser, Napolean Bonaparte, or Millard Filmore. We caught sight of the bunsen burner as a team of technicians connected it to the gas, checking and rechecking their pre-burn list. It was time for the Lighting of the Burner, and with a solemn fanfare of trumpets The Match was brought forth, a small sliver of a tree that had given its life for Science, that others might LIVE. Struck in a lead lined fume hood to safely dissipate its choking gases, the lit Match was held to the burner, and after a short reading of scripture and a moment of reflective silence, the gas was turned on. The burner shot to life, a WRITHING, FIERY MAELSTROM OF UNRESTRAINED FURY THAT... ahem, that sputtered quietly with a pretty blue flame. As the water, after being blessed by the Pope, was brought forth and placed on the ring stand, I could not help thinking, what if this simple beaker could think? What thoughts of its great rendevous with fate would pass through its mind were it given but a brief moment of consciousness, of sentient appreciation? Would it thrust its graduations to the heavens, proclaiming in silent fury, I AM?!? My reverie was quickly broken as a round of gunfire annouced THE BOILING OF THE WATER, and billions across the globe stopped in silent anticipation. My recollections of the following moments are spotty, as I was overcome by the heady rush of adrenaline and raw emotion, yet I can still clearly remember the water itself, a FURIOUS RAGING INFERNO, a BUBBLY HELL OF STEAM AND CHURNING LIQUID REACHING OUT FARTHER AND HIGHER ENVELOPING ALL IN ITS SCALDING GRASP AND...I regained consciousness several minutes later in the arms of my anxious comrades. "The water," I cried through parched lips and gritted teeth, "it...it did BOIL, didn't it?" "YES!!!" they cried, tears of triumphant joy streaming down their cheeks, and as I drifted away into a deep and exhausted sleep, I thought I heard an angelic choir, the Hosts of Heaven with voices raised in praise of the day...
3 + 4 = 7
This was well stated by J. P. Frummington and Elsworth Forngorten in
their Horribly Complex Advanced Law of Divergent Convergence, which
states:a little number + another little number = a bigger number.
Boredom:
The boredom factor of this laboratory was calculated using the Glimp Principle:
elapsed time
boredom = ---------------------------------------
number of exciting things that happened
Thus, the boredom of an interesting lab would approach zero, while a
dull lab would be infinitely boring.Conversion factors:
1 tad = 4 smidgens = 9.72 hairs
Table of Completely Irrelevant Elements:
The implications of the boiling of water are simply staggering, so you must excuse me as I wipe the sweat from my fevered brow with trembling fingers. One result could be a possible cure for Trekkanosis, a mysterious and debilitating disease that causes writers to unconsciously lapse into Star Trek narratives, Jim!"
"So get down to sick bay and find a cure, Bones. Scotty, can you give us warp power?"
"I dunna know if the engines can take i' much more, Captain! She's givin' it all she got!"
"Captain! The enemy vessel has raised its shields!"
"Mr. Sulu! Fire photon torpedoes! Spock, what do your sensors show?"
"Instruments indicate a 38.5798% chance that many more possible uses may be found for the boiling of water including even the cooking of food, an application that could have widespread implications. Other uses might include entertainment, impressing your friends and family, and breaking the ice at parties.
On the basis of these observations, this experimenter can only recommend the restructuring of third world debt and the immediate saturation bombing of the surface of Mars.