I've got *the* innovative new plot idea for a movie! See, there are these teenagers, let's make them high school kids. They're kinda nerdy and want to make more friends, and guess what? Their parents are going out of town! So, get this, they decide to have a...PARTY! YES! A big CRAZY party, with flying sofas and toilet paper everywhere! But here's the kicker: their folks decide to come back EARLY, and they've only got a few hours to clean up! Rest assured, WACKY hijinx ensue. And there'll be a subplot where they borrow an older brother's REALLY expensive car, and drive it around wearing cool sunglasses while that song is playing, you know, the one that goes *BOWMP* *BOWMP* oooooooooyeeeeeaaaah, except they'll drive the car into, get this, the SWIMMING POOL! Let's see, it'll have to star Anthony Michael Cruise and Ally Ringwold, and have a really killer soundtrack, with, oh, Cutting Crew, and Oingo Boingo, and the Thompson Twins, and Kajagoogoo. But here's the beauty: I'll have *already made* this movie! I figure having made it about 37 times between 1981 and 1986 should be good enough. And then I'll play it in five hour blocks starting at 2am on Sundays on little local cable stations, the ones that show homemade ads for carpet stores that star the storeowner's son and involve lots of sirens. And I'll show them again...and again...and again...until advancing glaciers knock the transmitter down or the sun goes nova.
No, wait, I've got a better idea: an ACTION movie! Yeah, lots and LOTS of action, with explosions, and flaming crossbows, and more explosions, and jeeps with rocket launchers racing along cliffside roads, with really BIG explosions! Let's see, it'll star Chuck Lee, or maybe Norris Van Damme. No, wait, BOTH of them, and we'll call it something like THE RENEGADE ENFORCERS or maybe AVENGING EAGLES that'll really appeal to those who are new to testosterone. See, they'll have to rescue American POWs from a top secret base in Southeast Asia by winning a KICKBOXING TOURNAMENT. YES! And there'll be this evil general, he'll be played by, um, that guy that always plays evil Asian generals, and he'll have a name like Ma Chi Ngo Ping. He'll capture the heroes and say things like "You weak Americans are all alike! You disgust me!" as he SPITS on them, but then they'll, let's see, ESCAPE! Yeah, they'll escape, and shoot a hundred cast extras with one ammo clip, and then the evil general will drive off a cliff, or be ripped apart by his pet alligator, or both. It won't be rated, though, it'll just go directly to video.
Wait, no, here it comes, the best one yet! See, there'll be this apartment full of young twenty-something kids, just out of college. And get this: they won't be able to find GOOD JOBS! Yes! Really! They'll all have nose rings and wear these butt-ugly seventies clothes that look like the Brady Bunch in earth tones. But of course they'll just ADORE the Brady Bunch, and natter on about them for hours, and whine incessantly about how they can't get better jobs than Human Speedbump because they slid through school with nontechnical wussy majors like Early Etruscan Flatulence. So they'll all be bummed out and fight a lot. We're talking serious ennui and malaise and a funk so thick hanging in the air James Brown would choke. And one of them will have, get this, a BAND! Yes, a GRUNGE band, no less! And there'll be a love triangle between roommates, with Ethan Pitt really having the hots for Winona Hawke, who REALLY likes Brad Garofalo, because he's always filling a spiral notebook with these so-deep dreamy rhyme-free poems. It'll be called, let's see, My Life Sucks Turds! Yeah! And the soundtrack will have, uh, Urge Overkill! And Dinosaur Jr. doing a HENDRIX cover! And Blind Screaming Love Bone, with lots of harmonicas! Hey, I think we've got some PRODUCT here.
Now where's that camcorder? *rummage* *rummage*