A surviving script from the less-than-illustrious Captain Condom Players...
Captain Condom Episode 7 - The People's Court
Nar: We now join Judge Wapner at The People's Court.
J.W.: So what do you say the defendant did?
Jerk: Well, ya see, your Honor, after he spit on my waffles and
shaved my cat, I tatooed "butthead" on his nose.
J.W.: It says here in your deposition that he also detonated a
tactical nuke in your tool shed. Do you have any proof at
all for these allegations?
Jerk: Oh, yeah, that too. Well, no, your Honor, but I brought
along my Aunt Irma. 'Course she only speaks Portuguese.
J.W.: Bailiff, lock these nuts up! (bangs gavel.) Next case.
Nar: The defendants are now entering the courtroom.
J.W.: Okay, I've read your written-
Nar: The judge is now talking.
J.W.: Shut that guy up!!!
Nar: The judge sucks big- *mmmph* *mmph!*
J.W.: I've read your written statements. Ma'am, you allege that
the defendant was responsible for your unplanned
pregnancy?
Lulu: That's right, your Honor. Leroy, here, wouldn't use a
condom.
J.W.: Is that true?
Leroy: Well, you Honor, see, it's like this, like, I'm me, right,
and she's her, and it's a free country, right, and, like,
I don't deny denying I denied my denial of her-
J.W.: Get to the point! Do you have any witnesses?
Leroy: Oh, sure do. This here's my buddy Gus.
Gus: Hi there, Judge!
Leroy: See, on the night Lulu here claims I was rollin' in the
hay with her, me and Gus-
Gus: Thas me!
Leroy: We was out cruisin' the Dog 'n Suds for Junior High
chicks. In another state. All week.
Gus: Thas right!
J.W.: Wait, do you have any evidence for this?
Leroy: Sure do, your Honor, we got this straw wrapper here which
done says "Dog 'n Suds" right on it.
Gus: Proof positive, I'd say!
J.W.: This is written in crayon!
Leroy: Well, see, we had to touch it up a wee bit, cause it got
kinda wet, on account of it being rainin' and Gus's car is
a convertible.
Gus: Warn't no convertible 'till you went under that semi.
J.W.: That's enough out of you two. Ma'am, do you have any
evidence or witnesses?
Lulu: Well, just this video tape of the whole incident Leroy
made, and expert testimony by Captain Condom.
CC: Your Honor, condoms are at least 80% effective in
preventing unplanned pregnancies, and are also protection
against the transmission of sexual diseases like AIDS.
This mangy societal parasite is clearly guilty.
J.W.: Do you have anything to say for yourself, you miserable
low-life worm?
Leroy: (Gus periodically says 'Thas right' while Leroy talks.)
Well, your Honorable Mention, I'd just like to say that I
jus' don't know what this country's comin' to, see, cause
a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, like, and I pays
mosta my taxes, see, and I got my rights of Habeus
Corpuscle but I can't hears too well in my left
ear, see, and every other Tuesday when it rains this here
trick knee o' mine-
J.W.: (bangs gavel) Bailiff, take these two out and spay them!
The rest of you can all bask in the warmth of my ego while
I admire my dashing profile in the video feed.
Doug: Hello, this is Doug Louellen, the human tater-tot,
wrapping up this session of The People's Court. Let's
hear what today's litigants have to say. How about you
two? Was it good for you?
Gus: My name's Gus.
Leroy: Jus' can't figure it, Doug. Damn shame is I had a fiver
ridin' on this case.
Gus: Thas right.
Doug: And you, Lulu?
Lulu: I just wish Captain Condom had been there! He makes me
feel so...safe!
Doug: Well that about wraps-
CC: SHUTUP, already! This is CC signing off for episode 7,
and remember, ...(closing)