An older piece written during the '92 campaign that I recently uncovered. It should hopefully offend everyone equally.
------------------------------- ------------------------------- -=- The Democratic Platform -=- -=- The Republican Platform -=- ------------------------------- ------------------------------- Federal Spending: Use the positive power of govern- Eliminate the time-consuming and ment intervention to address vital cumbersome pretense of actual federal concerns such as toothbrush safety, programs, and allow white-collor crim- effective doorknob polishing, and inals to simply transfer tax receipts toenail hygiene with programs directly to their off-shore bank costing slightly less than an accounts via an 800 number. entire carrier battle group. Federal Appointments: Nominate a Left-Handed Handicapped Bypass lengthy confirmation and Lesbian Latino Incontinent Herma- approval process by sending all phrodite Tiddly-Wink Player as appointees directly to Federal Prison, Secretary of Caring to "celebrate saving significantly on later court diversity." costs. Foreign Policy: Shed "wimp" image by entangling Save democracy by liberating country country in costly Asian land war. of rich Arab sheiks busy racing their Ring Saddam Hussein's doorbell and Porsches along the French Riviera. run away real fast. Barf on Prime Minister of Japan. Fiscal Policy: New taxes on gas, food, air, sun- Print more money to finance tax light, and any usage of the number exemptions for generous campaign con- 4 or the letter N. Eat the rich. tributors by felling few remaining hardwood forests. Kill the poor. Health Care: Quick and easy access to hangnail Mandatory sterilization of lowest treatment financed by dropping tax brackets. bushels of twenty dollar bills from low flying aircraft. Transportation: Build vital, job-creating high speed Fresh wax job on top contributors' rail links between Nome and Point lear jets. Barrow, Alaska. Train unemployed to wave day-glo orange flags. Environment: Strict new lint emmission stan- Dispense with limits on growth and dards on all dryers. Preserve industry posed by maintenance of a habitat of threatened Purple- breathable atmosphere. Mail all of Speckled Snoot Grooter by banning nation's radioactive waste to Ted all agriculture west of Mississipi. Kennedy's address. Women's Issues: Develop effective network of sperm Pretty new oven mitts for every banks, allowing phase-out of little lady. oppressive male gender. Religion: Ban prayer on all airline flights Mandatory attendance of Protestant longer than two hours. churches and Right Thinking for all citizens, with pews in rear reserved for Colored Brethren. Sex: Mandatory AIDS education for all What??? Well, I Never!!! fetuses beyond second trimester. Sensual massage training for all kindergartners. Placement of condom dispensers alongside napkin dispensers in all school cafeterias. Abortion: Legal retroactive abortion of all Strictly illegal for anyone outside individuals through retirement age. our own immediate families. Arts and Culture: Promote artistic expression by Support all kinds of music, both funding photographic essays of Country and Western. Investigate goats urinating on statues of the possibility of backwards satanic pope with generous federal grants. messages in Hallmark cards.