Campaign Platforms

by Alan Meiss,

An older piece written during the '92 campaign that I recently uncovered. It should hopefully offend everyone equally.

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-=- The Democratic Platform -=-         -=- The Republican Platform -=-
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Federal Spending:
Use the positive power of govern-       Eliminate the time-consuming and
ment intervention to address vital      cumbersome pretense of actual federal
concerns such as toothbrush safety,     programs, and allow white-collor crim-
effective doorknob polishing, and       inals to simply transfer tax receipts
toenail hygiene with programs           directly to their off-shore bank
costing slightly less than an           accounts via an 800 number.
entire carrier battle group.
Federal Appointments:
Nominate a Left-Handed Handicapped      Bypass lengthy confirmation and
Lesbian Latino Incontinent Herma-       approval process by sending all
phrodite Tiddly-Wink Player as          appointees directly to Federal Prison,
Secretary of Caring to "celebrate       saving significantly on later court
diversity."                             costs.
Foreign Policy:

Shed "wimp" image by entangling         Save democracy by liberating country
country in costly Asian land war.       of rich Arab sheiks busy racing their
Ring Saddam Hussein's doorbell and      Porsches along the French Riviera.
run away real fast.                     Barf on Prime Minister of Japan.
Fiscal Policy:
New taxes on gas, food, air, sun-       Print more money to finance tax
light, and any usage of the number      exemptions for generous campaign con-
4 or the letter N.  Eat the rich.       tributors by felling few remaining
                                        hardwood forests.  Kill the poor.
Health Care:
Quick and easy access to hangnail       Mandatory sterilization of lowest
treatment financed by dropping          tax brackets.
bushels of twenty dollar bills
from low flying aircraft.
Build vital, job-creating high speed    Fresh wax job on top contributors'
rail links between Nome and Point       lear jets.
Barrow, Alaska.  Train unemployed to
wave day-glo orange flags.
Strict new lint emmission stan-         Dispense with limits on growth and
dards on all dryers.  Preserve          industry posed by maintenance of a
habitat of threatened Purple-           breathable atmosphere.  Mail all of
Speckled Snoot Grooter by banning       nation's radioactive waste to Ted
all agriculture west of Mississipi.     Kennedy's address.
Women's Issues:
Develop effective network of sperm      Pretty new oven mitts for every
banks, allowing phase-out of            little lady.
oppressive male gender.
Ban prayer on all airline flights       Mandatory attendance of Protestant
longer than two hours.                  churches and Right Thinking for all
                                        citizens, with pews in rear reserved
                                        for Colored Brethren.
Mandatory AIDS education for all        What???  Well, I Never!!!
fetuses beyond second trimester.
Sensual massage training for all
kindergartners.  Placement of
condom dispensers alongside napkin
dispensers in all school cafeterias.
Legal retroactive abortion of all       Strictly illegal for anyone outside
individuals through retirement age.     our own immediate families.
Arts and Culture:
Promote artistic expression by          Support all kinds of music, both
funding photographic essays of          Country and Western.  Investigate
goats urinating on statues of the       possibility of backwards satanic
pope with generous federal grants.      messages in Hallmark cards.