Guide to Signatures

by Alan Meiss

The Internet's become trendy, and more people than ever before are mucking about on it. With easier access has come a flood of people and posters with little concept of discretion. Many of these aspiring net personalities seem compelled to fill everyone's screens with elaborate .sig files that often border on the baroque. It's always a delight when reading news to encounter postings that consist of 100 lines reposted verbatim, the profound addition "I agree!", and a closing .sig file that sometimes comes close to filling the screen with dippy pictures and a compendium of their personal witticisms. I've noticed some common attributes to these bloated .sigs:

1) Cute pictures. Little bicycle people, roses, Amiga arrows, tire tracks, twinkle stars, etc. Rest assured, they're all just as cute the 27th time you post them.

2) Cursive letters. These seem to be all the rage. It gives your post all the more authority if you sign it:

 _ _ _
' ) ) )               /       /
 / / / _  _,  __.  __/ . . __/ _
/ ' (_</_(_)_(_/|_(_/_(_/_(_/_</_
          /|
         |/

Extreme coolness of this magnitude proclaims, "Hey, I may only be a 12 year old using my Dad's America Online account, but I can ASCII upload all by myself!"

3) Dippy quotes. Impress the world with your wit and wisdom distilled into 4 or 5 lines (or puffed up to 9 or 10, as the case may be.) Make these particularly profound and/or hip, so they'll still be delightful after 3 or 4 months of posting. Trivial quotes of heavy metal lyrics, Doors/Floyd/Zeppelin songs, and Star Trek and Monty Python episodes are all a must.

4) 3-D stuff. Neato! Nifty! Keen! Show your "depth" with boxes, shadow letters, cubes, etc.

5) Nicknames. Build your net persona with a catchy handle, maybe something like "eni?gma", "Wondrous1", "SoHot4U", or "smOOthie". Make your readers wince with vicarious embarrassment.

Well, I've combined as many of these features as I could and have come up with candidate for Most Annoying .Sig File. Just edit in your name and login, post, and wait for the delighted responses to fill your mailbox.

 ____________________________________________________________
|\     .                      o             .     *        .  \
|  \          *                   .                   o         \
| .  \____________________________________________________________\
|    |                                                            |
|    |      _/_/_/  _/      _/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/  Bradley A.   |
|  * |     _/   _/ _/      _/ _/     _/     _/   _/    Dweeb      |
|    |    _/   _/ _/  _/  _/ _/_/   _/_/   _/_/_/                 |
|    |   _/   _/ _/ _/_/_/  _/     _/     _/   _/  The Dweebster! |
|.   |  _/_/_/   _/   _/   _/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/                   |
|    |                                                Uu__uU      |
|  o |  dweeb@no.dignity.com   "Huh! Huh!" - Beavis     oo        |
|    |                                                 (__)       |
|    |  "AAAARRGH!" - Megadeth | Boast no Pills! | "Hey Rocky!"   |
| .  |                                                            |
|    |  "I am the Lizard King, I can do anything!" Jim Morrison   |
|    |                     _     ___      o  o                    |
 \   |   U   @   V        (O<   /   \   /\/\/\/\     V   @   U    |
   \ |  \|/ \|/ \|/       / )  | RIP |  \/\/\/\/    \|/ \|/ \|/   |
     \__________________ /""___|_____|____________________________|